“You are responsible for your energy and how you show up?”  This was a quote I heard in an online yoga class and it piqued my interest.  I thought, I am not sure whether I agree or not?  I mean, do I need to agree? Probably not, but I thought it was worth contemplating further.

The first thing that came to mind when I heard this statement was, “Oh I used to have bad energy.” I used to feel that when I was around others, the bad vibes would leak out onto them.  I used to be shy and quiet.  I would show up, with the belief that “I’m invisible, I’m angry, too boring, have no personality, and that people didn’t want to get to know me”.  These were my limiting self beliefs.  They probably materialised from things people said to me as I was growing up, but they became my life.  

As time has passed I have come to understand that what I thought was my bad energy was more like social anxiety.  A definition of social anxiety might be “a fear of rejection”.   Did this fear cause a negative energy in me?  I know I have been around people that have made me feel uncomfortable, as though their energy was draining me.  Is this what I did?  Did my negative energy push people away?

Perhaps my self beliefs formed a self protective wall, that others may have read as negative energy.  But this is not what I wanted.  My fear kept me away from people, but I really longed to be accepted and be part of a social world.

I couldn’t change things back then because I was not aware that I could change.  I was not aware that I could challenge my beliefs. I could not be responsible to show up any other way because I didn’t know any other way.  

Once I had an awareness that I could change my beliefs, that they were not who I was or stuck in stone, then I did have choice.  Choice to choose how I wanted to show up.  

Letting go of some of my old beliefs, challenging them and then changing them, so that I have a love and acceptance of myself, has altered my life.  Having a self belief that what I say and contribute is worthwhile, has changed the energy in me.  The energy in me feels alive and people have said they like to be around me.  Now that I am aware that I can adjust my energy I now have a responsibility to choose how I show up.

My responsibility now, is to show up authentically.  Being responsible for how I show up doesn’t mean to push down authentic feelings, for example telling myself “I will not feel shit today, I will feel great!” This takes a lot of effort, pretending and putting on a mask and making out everything is fine is hard work.   Inauthenticity, not being true to how I am in the moment, is not how I want to show up. I am responsible to accept me just as I am in the moment, showing up with all of my feelings and emotions, and being with it.  This may mean some days my energy is low and some days it is bursting with love and joy.  But energy is constantly moving and changing and I am never stuck in one or the other.  I can shift my energy by taking action.  If I’m feeling low, I can acknowledge that and then go for a walk outside.  Often on my return my energy has changed.

Perhaps something else to contemplate is, What is energy?  Is it who we are?  Our core? Our soul?   The dictionary definition says energy (in this context) is a “A positive spiritual force flowing through all people”. If this is the case then the energy is a constant, a positive life force.  Can we then be responsible for it?  Do our feelings, emotions and beliefs affect our energy?  Yes.

I have come to some conclusion, that I am responsible to be my authentic self in each moment.  I believe my true self IS my energy, the positive spiritual force flowing through me.  If I am feeling low others may feel the negative energy in me, but I know energy is constantly moving.  Showing up with an intention for growth and acknowledging and accepting where I am right now, and doing my best is how I will live this quote “you are responsible for your energy and how you show up!”